Feeling Sorry For Myself

I love getting things in the mail...it's a small joy that has carried over from my childhood. Granted I mostly get bills now, but sometimes I buy things online and two come on the same day.

That happened today and I got a signed book that I ordered from a used bookshop and a cute little owl necklace that I've fallen in love with all over again. Unfortunately not everything I got in the mail today carried good news.

I found a website earlier this week that offers Archaeological tours. You join a group of like minded people and travel around historical sites, with a professor as a tour guide (the ones I wanted to go to were in Italy and Greece)

I got their brochure today and as I looked through it I became more and more excited. "This will make up for my crappy year" I thought to myself...and then my eyes fell on the price.

I had expected it to be expensive. After all it's over 2 weeks, in Europe and nice hotels etc. but i didn't think it was be soooo much. The total comes to over 6K (that's a down payment on a car!). and that's before you buy your air fare...I can't express in words how let down I feel. Even now as I'm writing this I'm tearing up and I don't know why.

It's only a holiday after all. But I think it represented more than that. A fresh start. something just for me and something I could think about when I find myself chained to a desk job in a few years time. And now it's not going to happen.

I don't want you to get me wrong. I know I'm lucky in almost every aspect of my life. I'm hardly down and out and I have great friends and family. I know not being able to afford a holiday is hardly something I should be crying over...but what can I say...I am. I've always wanted to travel and go on adventures and the only thing that is ever able to hold me back in money. If I'd found this site last year I would have been able to afford it...but I went to England instead. That's something I won't forgive myself for for a long time.