What I Want When I Grow Up...

When I was a little girl I never really had an idea of what I wanted my life to be like. I'm sure I wanted what most little girls want, a boyfriend as loyal as Ken is to Barbie (don't say it! I know they broke up), lots of pretty clothes, a dream house (also like Barbie's)...and that's pretty much where it ends.

I never thought of what I'd do when I was a grown up. I suppose like most children I had fleeting ideas of being a Doctor (don't like blood...or needles), Vet (same...also a little scared of horses), singer (hahaha...didn't have the talent), cartoonist (ditto)...It never really occurred to me that I could accomplish anything. I only latched on to writing because when I moved back to England it was seemingly the only thing I was good at. I couldn't speak French or German or Spanish, was completely lost in my maths classes and couldn't bring myself to dissect a lambs heart, but if you asked me to write a story I'd have it done in ten minutes.

That's not to say I don't like writing, I do, and I love it. I love that those two years of English classes started me on an almost obsessive love of language, reading and writing, but still I didn't think I could make a career out of it. There were always people who were better at it than I was, always people getting better marks (one in particular!! grrr.)

When I was in high school the thought still hadn't occurred to me that I'd have to eventually decide what I wanted to do. I was baffled by the college application process and didn't really even want to go. I didn't know what I wanted for dinner, how the hell was I suppose to decided what I wanted to do FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?!

I've always though I was/am ambitious, but I see now that I'm not. I didn't want to be a lawyer or accountant, I didn't even care if I was the best at what I did, after all I had a lifetime of proof that there was always going to be someone better than me, and it's true and I've embraced it. I know now that I'm not ambitious, at least not in an academic way. I didn't want to be top of the class, I coasted doing as much as I needed to to blend into the background. I think I'm still like that. Do I love to write? Yes. Am I the best writer in the World? No, far from it.

Writing is still important to me, and it's something I'll continue to do for my own pleasure but my career won't live or die on the prospect of being a payed writer.

I hate working in retail, it sucks but somehow my whole backup plan (if I never manage to finish a story much less get it published) is to work in and hopefully eventually own a little used bookshop in some nondescript English village and live a lovely rich life there. Me, who wants to travel the world and write bestsellers and have enough money to never work ever again, would be content (OK, very happy) to live in a flat above a bookshop and spend every day amongst it's dusty and yellowing occupants.

I sometimes think I want too much out of life. Yes, money would be great and yes, seeing something I wrote in print would be a thrill, but what if all that happened and I ended up miserable and alone? swimming in my money, alone? You hear about it all the time, people living alone all their lives, rich but cut off from the world until eventually they die and no one even notices.

I have to say at the age of 25 the person I envy most isn't a famous author or a socialite, it's my friend who is a year older and is married with a little girl and another one on the way. She has the perfect life in my eyes and always seems so incandescently happy. I have to admit to being a little jealous of that.

In five years time, I want to be where she is now, even if I cant afford my Barbie dream house and live above a bookshop, working with the public on a daily basis. I think it would be worth it.