What's Next?

I'm feeling decidedly grumpy today. I really have very little to complain about. After six months I'm finally back to work (albeit part time) but I can't help feeling as though I'm giving off a rather unpleasant stench of failure.

Facebook is a persistent torture device when feeling like this. While my former classmates are in grad school, law school or flitting about the country in various glamorous jobs, I'm living in my pink bedroom, working in the mall at Christmas and living more like a 40 year old divorcée than a 25 year old single girl.

I know jealously is a very unpleasant trait, but I have to admit to reveling in it recently. And why the hell shouldn't I? It's not like I begrudge these people their successes, I would just like some of their gold dust to rub off on me and my life.

I tend to get quite pensive this time of year and every time I say that next year things will change. I think I'll somehow transform into a different person, be more outgoing, more willing to step outside my comfort zone, more willing to take risks, and it never ends up happening. And on the rare occurrence where I do take a risk, I fail in a blazing and catastrophic manner.

However, again I will pledge to do more next year. Hopefully I will get into grad school. But If I don't, i'm going to look for jobs in publishing. I'm going to look outside the confines of Michigan and if need be, move.

I'm a romantic and believe in fate, but recently my brother rather wisely said that fate only takes you so far, you have to do the rest. I think I've come to the conclusion that he is right. Fate may one day have a plan for me and will steer me in the correct direction, but for now I am the one who needs to set the ball in motion. Perhaps in a few years time there will be some people on Facebook glaring enviously at my profile. One can only hope.