Realization

I'm come to the realization that I might have left England a bit early last year.

I suppose it's always easy to make judgments in hindsight but I think things would possibly be different for me now.

It's true that England is in just as bad a recession as the States. It's also true that I was thoroughly miserable for the couple of months I was in the UK. I was bored, frustrated, felt cut off from the world and completely homesick.

On the other hand at that point the UK economy hadn't taken a huge dive yet, and while I struggled to find jobs in my field or in an office, I could have easily gotten a job in a shop or restaurant, I just wasn't willing to. I suppose you could say I was a snob about it.

If I thought when I moved back to the States that I'd have trouble finding a job in a shop I would have thought you were mad. I thought coming back here would be a saving grace, that everything would fall into place and It just hasn't happened.

It's true that if I didn't move back I wouldn't have got to share my little house with my friend (which was great fun) but on the other hand if I hadn't moved in I wouldn't have burnt through all my money by November.

And the truth is none of it matters. I wouldn't take back living in that house and I don't blame anyone else for the decisions I've made over the last couple of years. But I do feel like I'm missing out on a lot and I do feel that a part of me will always want to live in England.

I suppose the whole reason this has come up is that a our friends just got back from the UK and we all tend to wax philosophical about life there. I know it's not perfect. Where I'm from it's busy and cluttered and built up but I still love it.

I came back a year ago last Sunday, and I suppose I thought I'd be further along than this. Every decision I've made since leaving college has been a bad one and I can't help thinking that the ones I've been making recently aren't going to get me anywhere fast either. I'm still stuck in limbo...and sometimes it just sucks.