CommitmentPhobe

I've just spent the past hour watching "How to Find a Husband" on Fine Living Network which is hilarious. It makes me feel a little better about having being single for the past (ha-hum) years.

I've also come to the realization that I might be a bit of a commitmentphobe. In fact, I might be such a commitmentphobe that I don't even get to the "meeting guys" phase because it's all too much bother. Getting to know people takes time, energy and the desire to put yourself on the line.

I suppose I should confess...very little of what goes on inside my head is available to the rest of the world. Put another way, I don't share my deepest darkest secrets with anyone. I love my friends, but they don't really know me very well because I don't really let them. Even my oldest friends, the ones who I would trust with my deepest darkest secrets don't know them...'cos i'm not ready to let go of them.

I think when you spend most of your childhood trying to fit in at new schools and making new friends you become very good at keeping things to yourself. After all what if you move in 2 years? what if you're friend turns their back on you? Both of these things happened to me when I was younger and I think deeply effected the way I am with people. I'm very guarded, very quiet when I meet new people and too be perfectly honest I get rather suspicious of guys who show interest (I have always had that "Never Been Kissed" fear that some guy will ask me out as a joke).

I've come to discover i'm a very solitary person by nature. I prefer movies at home to lively bars, Reading to parties and having lazy days to days by the pool. Obviously this isn't very condusive to relationships, which is probably why I haven't had one in such a long time and while that sucks it's not my top priority.

Maybe i'm not supposed to be the one who's constantly in a relationship. Maybe i'm not even destined to get married. While none of these questions are things that I want or need to be sorted out now (I have enough to deal with with the whole job, money, school fiasco) it's something that i'm always going to be conscious of and maybe being conscious of it will help me to not stress about this sort of stuff so much. What's meant to be will be...and that's it.