2010 has well and truly kicked off and as I've spent most of my day in the mall I am only now succumbing to my usual pensive musings. At this time every year I evaluate the year that has been and what I hope will happen in the following twelve months.
It is here, Universe, that I hope you can help me. I realize that as the universe at large you have no real pull when it comes to sorting out my life, this is more of an opportunity to send this out into the void and hope that somewhere, someone or something can help me bring my wishes and dreams for the next few months to fruition.
Sometimes I feel as a society that we tend to blame everyone and everything for our problems. I fear I have been a great offender of this as for the past two years I have raged about everything from unemployment to my lack of a boyfriend. and while a lot of these things have been out of my control, I feel my persistence for blaming everyone but myself is a little short sighted.
Granted I can't make my dream job appear out of thin air...but then who said I needed to do my dream job right now? plenty of people work jobs they hate until something else comes along. One of my big problems is that I refuse to put up with things I don't like. I believe, somewhat naively, that I should have a job that makes me happy and that if I don't, I have the obligation to myself to find an alternative. This is all well and good in theory, but in practice it leaves me with a very narrow view of what could possibly make me happy.
I worked at an advertising agency once and hated it. Not six month earlier I was convinced it was my dream job. I sat anxiously through my interview and was thrilled when I got the job. But after about a month things changed. The reasons for this are neither here nor there. The point is that instead of sticking it out, I quit after six months and fixated on going back to England to work. Surely that would make me happy.
Of course it didn't. Blame it on the recession all you want. For whatever reason I was unable to find my dream job there too. Had I known what the next few years would bring I may have decided to stay and take a receptionist or shop job until I got on my feet...but I didn't. I didn't deviate from "the plan" and ended up with nowhere to go but home.
Are you seeing a pattern here Universe? 'cos I am. My insistence of doing things "my way" have landed me in financial Armageddon, stilted personal growth and a failure complex so complete I'll probably need years of therapy to overcome it.
The further I've come from my teens the more closed off I've become to all sorts of ideas. Whether it's involving relationships, jobs, friends or even what I read. The smallest things have been rigidly controlled by me for some inexplicable reason and it's done nothing but leave me, at the age of 25, completely and utterly screwed.
The irony of all this is that I've never really felt that I possessed a "grand master plan." Unlike many of my school mates who knew exactly what college they'd graduate from, what law school they'd go to and what firm they'd eventually belong to, I really didn't have a clue. I knew I wanted to do something involving an English degree. I knew that I liked to write and vaguely thought writing a book might be a fun way to pass the time, but never did I take into account the fact that that was an ultimate goal.
I now realize that writing is something I'd love to do for a living and that all my internships and jobs have (generally) in one way or another led up the the fact that I want to write books. I took the job at the advertising agency because I got to write for a living. I went to England for internships in publishing houses (because if I was going to get a book published, I'd better know how it works), I want to go to grad school to become a better writer. It all fits and frankly my rather feeble attempts to get acquainted with the book world have taken me away from the actual writing. It's ludicrous that it's taken me this long to figure it out.
This whole post is completely loony and off the wall. I'm rambling and probably making no sense. I suppose the point is this. I've already said I want 2010 to be a turning point in my life. The realization that I've ( in a round about kind of way) just come across is that it is up to me to make it happen. No job is going to fall out of the sky, no one is going to publish a book if it hasn't been written yet and no one will fall in love with me if I spend my formative years on the couch. It is up to me to fix what I don't like about my life and myself.
I hope that this time next year, dear Universe, I will be sharing the musings of a thoroughly happy and moderately successful (in whatever way possible) DaisyChain. But if not, there's always 2011!
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