My whole adult life (not that I consider myself an adult...I still feel like I'm 12 years old) I have been on a quest to be happy. That's it. It's so simple and I'm sure something that everyone is determined to find, but it's what drives all my decisions, good or bad.
I quit a job today. It was foolish and rash and I am rather ashamed of myself for doing it. But I did it because it was the only way for me to get closer to being happy. I can't explain why some jobs fill me with joy and some fill me with abject horror. This particular one was working in a restaurant and was a perfectly good job. Why I had to stew about it so much I don't know but I don't exaggerate when I say that the mention on putting me on a schedule made me feel as though I'd swallowed a brick.
It's ludicrous to be scared of such things at the age of 25 (soon to be 26...but that's another meltdown entirely) but I was.
I feel this year is going to be very much a transition for me in one way or the other. Those grad school applications are hanging over my head all the time. I check that mail way too enthusiastically, even though I know I won't have an answer yet. I feel as though the decision from those school will have a massive effect on what I do next. If I get into one, will I go? what if I get into two? how will I choose? and worse, what If I don't get into any? what will I do then?
The calendar this year doesn't go past September, because I don't know where I'll be come September. I can't fathom what I'll be doing or where I'll be. I apply for jobs with the thought that if I take them, I may have to leave in a few months time. Or, that I won't have an excuse to leave at all.
I left all my previous jobs because they didn't make me happy and I've begun to wonder how such a basic human need can have such power over a person. After all, I'm a reasonable intelligent person. I know two jobs are better than one. I know the extra money would help me save for my future and most importantly get out of my parents hair...so why do I sabotage myself. I didn't KNOW the job would make me unhappy, the mere idea of it made me unhappy.
Maybe my happiness radar is off. Maybe I have a too literal spectrum when it comes to happy. I don't need a fairytale I just want that little slice of happiness you see on those cheesy reality TV wedding shows.
I feel like everyone else I know has it figured out. They are settled what makes them happy and I always have itchy feet. It worries me that I'll always be like this, unable to settle to anything. I'm the A.D.D. of happy.
The brick in my stomach has disappeared now. I had another interview today that I hope turns into something. This time I hope I get the happy to stay with me.
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