Escape Hatch

Have you ever felt like you've just clawed your way out of the abyss, only to fall back in again? I know it sounds kind of dramatic, but that's how I feel at the moment. My week in California wasn't just a week in the sun, or an excuse to go to Disneyland it was a way to escape, even for a short period of time.

I said yesterday that the euphoria of my vacation wore off within hours. But it didn't just wear off, in it's place is now an immense sense of dread, a knot that is sitting in my chest and making it hard to breath. I hate it here. I really do. It's hard to say that because this place has been my home for over ten years, but I really, really hate it.

There is no sense of hope left in Michigan, especially in the suburbs of Detroit and I felt it as soon as I got off the plane. I searched for jobs last night and didn't have any luck. I didn't just look in Michigan, but everywhere. How am I supposed to stay positive when there is nothing out there? Where do I have to go to get a job? How far do I have to move away from my friends and family to finally be doing something with my life?

My biggest fear is that this is it, this is what my life will always be like. It won't be just three hellish years, it will be all of them. That I'll be one of those sad people who lives with their parents into their 50s. That I'll never work anywhere interesting again and that lack of stimulation will make my brain leak out of my ears.

I have no discernible skills. On a resume I am nothing more than average. I went to an average school and got average grades. I look average, I'm shy and have no idea what I want out of my life. What if I sit on this couch forever, just waiting for things to get better and they never will?

Everyone else I know is getting their shit together. Their lives are slowly back on track, so what is it about me? do I not want it as badly as they do? Is it my luck that's bad?

I wish there was an escape hatch in this place. Just pull up the rug and slip through a trap door and into another place. Open the hatch and poof, I'm suddenly in Greece or poof, I'm suddenly in my little bookshop in England.

I'm thinking of going back to school just for the sake of it. Screw the money, I don't care if I'm in debt 'till I'm 50, at least I'd be doing something right now. I don't even care what I study. Writing or Classics. Each subject is just as pointless as the other but at least I'll be doing something.

Well, I'm going to go research my next step and hopefully something will come up. Wish me luck...a lot please!