An Epic Journey to Nothing-ness

Have you ever wanted to disappear into a book and never come out again? I do all the time. Most of the time the books I long to be a part of are fantasies with great adventures and mysteries to be solved. Now, however, the most recent book to add to this auspicious collection is the Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society.

I've just finished reading this for the second time and instantly want to start again. Ever since I was a little girl I've craved adventure. I've come to realize as an adult that there are many kinds of adventure. Not everything needs to be a sweeping epic. Grand adventures sometimes lead to grand problems and the attraction of a small, quiet, subtle novel is something that appeals to me greatly.

I've often thought I've wanted a grand life. A life you see in films, so exhaustingly impressive that you want for nothing and no-one. Now, at the tender age of twenty five I've come to the conclusion that a grand life wouldn't suit someone of my personality. I am quiet and shy and more attuned to a quiet night in front of the fire with a wonderful book. The mere thought of it makes me smile.

2010 is supposed to be a turning point for me. I say "supposed to" but in truth it is only driven by myself. I feel, as I have expressed many times, that I have been living in limbo. If I'm honest I have been doing so since I left university. I never went into school with a plan, and coming out almost three years ago to the day I had no idea what I was doing or what I have been doing since. I've flitted from one thing to another, never being satisfied with how things have worked out. Am I incessantly hard to please or just haven't found my niche yet? It's though I'm stumbling around wearing sunglasses indoors, I'm only seeing the half of it.

The older I get the more isolated I feel from everything. I'm existing as a 25 year old teenager. I hated being a teenager at sixteen, so being one at twenty five is highly depressing. People in books often speak of "longing" and I have always thought I understood what it meant. However until these past few years I don't think I could fully appreciate the word. I long to do something with my life. Perhaps my greatest fear is not doing anything at all, just existing. I don't need to be famous or even popular. I don't need to have thousands of friends or go to lavish parties every night. I do, however, long to be someone, even if it's only to myself.

This is more than a profession, it's an entire state of being and I feel as though I've been shut up in this tiny part of myself. Does that make any sense? probably not. What is the measure of a great life? is it running around on amazing adventures? falling in love and raising a family? being the best at your chosen profession? or a combination of all those things, and many more that simply can't be written down?

When the new year approaches I, along with the rest of the world, wonder what the future will hold. I couldn't have predicted these past few years and in truth I feel as though I've wondered a bit too far from where I started and where I want to be.

All I do know is that I'm determined to make 2010 the turning point, and my friends from the the world of books will be there to keep me company on the way.