Page 86

I made it to page 86 today. I don't know If I've told you this, but I'm writing a book. I think that's probably the first time I've written it down, but I am.

I don't know if it's any good. I feel immensely self conscious about it, as though the sheer act of mentioning it on this blog will ruin it. I've tried to write things before, I may have even got past the 86th page before, but somehow this seems different.

I never thought I'd find something I'm more self conscious of than my body and my looks, but I have. I've guarded this story (for lack of a better word) for ages, months and every so often have an electrifying feeling of pride, which is usually when I email it to someone I trust. I did that last week, thinking that if they didn't like it up to the 50th page, I could stop writing, but I can't. I still haven't heard back and imagine they are trying to compose a heartfelt yet encouraging "it's rubbish" letter this very minute.

I feel my success is irrevocably tied to this story and these characters. I have control over very little of my life at this moment, but I can control this story and these characters and it gives me an immense pleasure to disappear into their world for a few hours.

I think one of my biggest fears is not doing anything with myself and my life. I don't know how your supposed to measure success. Is there a chart or formula? I know it can't be measured in money or fame. Can it be measured in happiness?

I've never really thought of authors as brave before, but really they are. JK Rowling's Harry Potter was rejected by hundreds of people before it found a publisher. I don't know if I could stand that sort of rejection. It's brave to put something you've spent so much time on and put so much of yourself in, in the hands of a perfect stranger. I waver about letting my Mother read what I write.

I find it rather ridiculous to call myself a writer. After all, isn't anyone who can write a sentence technically a writer? I don't know what I should be called. Perhaps someone who's failed at everything else. Can epic failure be a catalyst to turn someone into an author? I'm not really sure.

I think perhaps this whole post is a mistake. That tomorrow I'll wake up unable to write a single thing and my characters will wither and die on the page. I hope it doesn't happen, as I believe my 87th page will be my best page yet. I will post this. After all, I won't be able to be an author at all if i'm not brave. Will I?