Funding Fatigue

I have spent most of my morning staring at the Federal Loan website trying to figure out if the instructions are actually written in a foreign language or if perhaps I've lost the ability to read English. The immense fear associated with taking out a massive loan with no immediate ability to pay it back keeps crashing over me like a wave.

I have always hated the idea of owing money. I'm the person who pays off her credit card every month and who's first act after a getting a job was clearing my credit card balance. The idea of getting int0 $50,000 worth of debt for a degree in creative writing seems absurd to the logical side of my brain. The ditzy, creative side of my brain, however, says this is something I want to do and I'll worry about the financial consequences later.

But that doesn't help me this morning. I'm sitting in my PJ's, staring at this freaking computer screen and imagining myself in exactly the same place this time next year, although instead of having a job, saving some money, I'll be unemployed and in debt up to my eyeballs.

How do other people manage to do this? do they have this incessant brick in the pit of their stomach or are the pursuing degrees that are actually useful? Eh! this is all too much to consider for a Sunday morning. I was perfectly happy until I started getting into all of this.

I applied for accommodation at Newcastle last night and was really excited about it. I didn't even mind that they took the deposit out of my bank account in about 10 minutes! I actually liked that I was financially connected to the school. Perhaps I'm being a bit of a downer about it. Sure, creative writing is a creative enterprise and if therefore anything but a done deal when it comes to job prospects. But I have an English degree and I've been able to secure employment (sometimes In the creative field and sometimes not) to get me though (except for the 2 year period where I didn't)

It may be cheesy but I have a great belief in fate. I think if things are supposed to happen they will. The sheer fact that I got into grad school could mean that I'm supposed to do it. Only time will tell if I get my loan and the ability to actually take my place at Newcastle, but in the time it's taken me to write this, I've calmed down considerably. Perhaps the thought of going to study has overtaken my fear of being in debt. This financial process won't be fun, but it is all a means to a end and I think that's what I have to concentrate on.