Momentary Meltdown

I had real trouble falling asleep last night. I'm still obsessing over all my emails in the hopes I'll hear from the other universities I applied to. I had this awful thought about grad school that made it impossible to fall asleep. What if I'm in debt until i'm 80?! and what if I don't make any friends? what if i'm miserable and I'm stuck there for a year?!

Visions on being the "new kid" flashed in front of my eyes and panic set in. That awful brick-like feeling hit my stomach as it is quite possible that, as usual, I won't fit in. After all I'm too American to be British and sound to British to be an international student. I don't drink enough to be a Brit either (may have to up my alcohol capacity before Sept.) All the little idiosyncrasies that make me who I am make me completely useless what it comes to this "new kid" stuff. I know that most people will be "new" but it's a hangover from my childhood that I just can't seem to shake.

Do you remember the new kid in school who sat in the corner, too shy to make eye contact and too meek to talk? yeah, that was me (and perhaps still is).

I woke up this morning for the first time in a week with trepidations about grad school...until I spoke with my Nan. I haven't been to England in two years (not since I fled after not finding a job) and I haven't seen my Nans and Grandads since Christmas in 08. That's a pretty long time! Nan and I talked about being able to visit when I'm at school, taking the train down for the weekend etc. and all my fears and stresses melted away.

I don't really care if it costs too much money. The course is a means to an end and hopefully my current friends can attest to the fact that i'm not awfully difficult to get along with. I'll be with like minded people and will hopefully make some really good friends. But if I don't, I have my currents friends both in the UK and across the pond and my family to keep me happy.

You're supposed to do a thing everyday that scares you. I think I'm a little down on my quota and think this encompasses a big hunk of my "days" for the foreseeable future. Does that mean I won't have another freak out? No, but it does mean I have a way of getting back from the freak out now, and that's half the battle. Until my next meltdown, goodbye x