The Universe always has ways of putting us in our place. I'm a firm believer in this. I believe in Karma on big and small scales and believe I've been given the finger by the universe today. Nothing big, just a "don't get too big for your boots" type thing that keeps me in line.
I got my dissertation mark today and while it wasn't bad it certainly wasn't as good as I had hoped. Still, I remained positive. After all it's a work in progress. Hopefully the finished novel won't have the same problems.
I also found out that I didn't get a job I have (until this morning) been told was all but mine. They were "getting signatures on the offer letter" late last week and apparently it all came crashing down on Monday (I still didn't find out until today... Thursday. A whole three days later).
This is hardly catastrophic. These things happen all the time, especially in uncertain times like these but I have to be honest, my eyes teared up a little when I found out. I'd been buying work clothes, shoes, planning my future apartment and furniture and it all came crashing down around my ears.
In the scale of things going on around the world this sort of thing is the equivalent of a flea's burp, but in my world, it's a bit of a setback. I don't like being stuck and I feel like I am. I can't move out until I get a job. I can't get a car or replace my cell phone (which was out of date in 2002). I can't hang pictures in my hypothetical apartment or get a dog. Hell, I can't even afford to buy my Mum a birthday card.
And while it's nice to have time to write, finish my novel and hopefully shop it around, I'm still struck by the utter cock up that is my life. I'm exhausted with the pretence, the stupid interview questions ("what's your biggest weakness?" yeah, I'm really going to tell you that I swear like a sailor and check facebook every five minutes). I'm tired of pretending that I want to work as an admin or that it doesn't suck being 27 and living with my parents.
Cos guess what? it does suck.
Everyone else I know is working, getting engaged, moving in with someone or having babies. I'm not just back where I was last year, I'm back where I was the year before that and the year before that. I'm stuck on a perpetual merry-go-round of mediocrity where I am always coming up short.
Do I sound pissed off? Good, cos I am and that's how I need to stay if I'm ever going to get on the good side of the Universe again.
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