Unsettled

I can't settle to anything today. I can't read, don't want to watch TV and am currently sitting on the couch in an oversized sweatshirt and PJ bottoms hitting refresh on all three of my email accounts in the hopes that someone out there in the great wide webiverse wants to give me a freakin job!

These events would seem even more insane when you throw in the fact that I blew off an interview today. It's true the job was too far away and would have had me living in the back of beyond, but still, those student loans aren't going to pay themselves come March, are they?

This morning's freak out was about more than an interview I didn't want to go to. It was about the utter sense of uselessness I currently feel. I spent the majority of my twenties flitting from job to job trying to find one I enjoyed. All I discovered was that while capable of doing a multitude of jobs I had no desire to do any of them. Hell, I love writing and still had to force myself to do it in-between facebook updates and twitter conversations.

So what does this mean? Am I destined to be stuck in a job that I hate for the rest of my life? How the hell am I supposed to know what I want to do? Yes, of course I want to write but making a career out of that is something akin to winning the lottery or marrying George Clooney (you know it's happened before but are pretty sure it'll never happen again)

So where does this leave me? the practical, grown up 27 year old me thinks I should quit whining, choose a freaking job and take the money. The artistic, flighty, former student me thinks that doing a job I hate for the foreseeable future will not only make me miserable but will probably make me impossible to be around. I'll loose all my friends and spend the rest of my life living in a one bedroom apartment with a clowder of cats, only going outside to string up Christmas lights and curse at the full moon.

I realise a person doesn't always get what they want out of life. But what I find the most frustrating is that I don't know what I want. I never have. I chose to do an English degree because it was the only class I was good at in school (unless you count netball and unfortunately not many people do). I became an Administrative Assistant because there happened to be a job going and I was around. I work as a copywriter because I liked to write and assume that was a prerequisite when sat in a room full of writers. And I did an MA in creative writing because I knew I didn't want to do anything else.

So basically I'm back where I was when I was 22. Bored, exhausted and wondering what the hell I'm going to do with myself. Being unemployed and living with your parent's is a lot less charming when you're a 27 year old woman.

So what's next? Skydiving instructor? Amphibious car Engineer? Even planner?

Or Maybe I'll move to Guernsey, work in a hotel and write on the beach in my spare time. I vote the that. Wouldn't you? *Sigh* A girl can dream.