Limbo

I always seem to find myself living in limbo. Perhaps this is due to inability to live in the present. I'm always thinking about what's next. Where will I find a job? where will I live? what will make me happy? The great thing about my first six months in Newcastle was that for the first time since I left University in 2006, I didn't really care about the answers to those questions.

Now, however, as my dissertation deadline draws near and my time in Newcastle dwindles to just a few months, I'm back to worrying about the rest of my life. Unlike most of my friends here I'm in my late 20s and am seeing that horrific "30" flashing on the horizon.

It's not that I care so much about the number as much as what it supposedly represents. I've always assumed I'd have my shit together by the time I'm 30. In fact I thought I'd have my shit together by the time I was 27. Granted it's the knocks and successes that makes life interesting but while most of my friends are casually contemplating the fall with amusement and effortless promise, I feel restricted but the responsibilities I feel I should be taking on board. I don't mean the obvious married, kids, house, dog, Volvo type responsibilities, more like the responsibilities to myself.

After floundering for over ten years I feel like I owe it to myself to make a proper decision. I need to decide what kind of work I want to do and set out to achieve it. I need to finally decide between living in England or America and all of this needs to be accomplished by my 30th Birthday.

I lived a lot of my early 20s on the sidelines. I was overly cautious in almost every aspect of my life from uni, relationships, moving and jobs. I feel that I've come alive during my time in Newcastle and am not willing to give up that feeling once I move back to the States.

But for the moment I'm still in Limbo. The prospect of going home to my parent's house, to living in that same bedroom I left a year ago fills me with dread. Not because I don't like living there or that I don't like my parent's but because I'll feel like nothing has changed. I feel that if I go back, I might get stuck there forever and I don't know if I could manage that.

I'm giving myself a deadline of a month from the day I return to Michigan. I will find a job (no matter where in the 52 states it is) I will find a flat and I will get on with my life. I am no longer going to be a passenger in my own life, I'm going to be the driver.